One tough day

So let this be known, this is the first official time for me to use this blog to vent. I had a tough mommy day and I need to let it out. Actually the day went very well up until bedtime and then it crashed and burned. So the doctor told me that Lola needed to stop with the pacifier ASAP, he said the longer we wait the harder it gets. I knew that at age 2 she needed to quit it, and we started weaning her off to only nap and bedtime. But with all the transitions of a new baby sister, I just couldn't quite kick it. She woke up one night screaming and I just felt so bad for her. I mean the poor things world is upside down from a new family member and then to take away her one comforter. Ughhh, plus that means less sleep for daddy and I, which has always been something we do NOT do well at. Well I told myself that after pictures I would kick the nuk habit for good. I was before worried that she would not get enough sleep and the pictures would be horrible, so I postponed it. After pictures I got her ready for bed... I went to the cupboard, took her nuk out and snipped the tip of it with a scissor. We walked hand in hand to her bedroom. I changed her diaper, put on her pajamas and gave her a drink of milk. Tucked her into bed and gave her the nuk. She stuck it in her mouth. Looked at me, then took it out. Looked at the nuk, then popped it back in. In my head I am thinking, wait til I tell the doctor, Lola didn't even care that I cut the pacifier off, she's loves it anyway! I was probably hoping that I could avoid the separation anxiety all together. She didn't love it. She took it back out, and set it on the bed. She looked at me with big, sad, horrible eyes. Then she opened up her mouth and burst into sobs. I decapitated the thing she loves. I might as well have destroyed her whole world. IF we had another nuk in the house, at that point, I would have RUN to find it. But we didn't. I killed the last one. I rubbed her back and asked her what was wrong. She just sobbed. I went and got her a drink of water. She continues to sob. Big fat tears rolled down her cheeks. She doesn't say anything, just CRIES and CRIES. I hear Greta start crying in the living room. I am torn between my two girls. Looking at Lola, I feel that maybe I am making it worse. Pretend nothing is different I think to myself. I hand her the nuk, kiss her cheek and croak out a fake cheerful "goodnight" and flee the room. I go to Greta and pick her up. I change her diaper and put on her jammies, all the while listening to Lola howl. Not mad at momma. Just so very sad. She sobs "Nooooo!" and continues wailing. I walk back into her room and ask her if I can get her anything. She doesn't acknowledge I am even there. She just wails. Big Fat Tears stream down her cheeks. I leave the room before she can see me cry too. I sniffle against Greta's soft skin. Unfortunately Greta has had enough, she needs to eat. I go downstairs, place myself on the couch and try to feed Greta. I can't do it. I am trying to relax, but all I can hear is Lola's sobbing in the monitor. Greta is impatient and starts to cry too. Lola cries harder. Mommy starts crying too.  I turn off the monitor. Place Greta back in my lap and try again. I pretend Lola has stopped crying. Finally Greta eats, my shoulders sag with relief. I take a break to burp Greta and turn the monitor back on. Still crying, not sobbing but pathetic whimpering. I think I hear her even ask... why? I don't want to answer. I dont' even know how to answer... because your teeth might look funny later in life? Sounds stupid. I want to get up and comfort her, but Greta is still hungry. By the time I am finished with Greta, Lola has finally drifted off to sleep. After an hour of despair, she is peaceful in dreamland. But I am not, 2 hours later, I still can't stop hearing her sob. I still feel awful. It just breaks my heart.

I know (okay, I think...) this is what is best for her, but ughhh it is so hard. I think this probably sums up parenting in a nutshell. Doing whats best for your children HURTS ALOT, and it would be a lot better if we could just take the simple road. (Who cares if she has a pacifier when she's in kindergarten?) I guess I do. I guess I want the best for Lola, whether it feels good or not.

All that I can say, is that I hope I look back on this post, a month from now (heck a week from now would be awesome) and laugh, because its all behind us now. But for now, I know we have a few challenging nights ahead of us. :(

I know it will get better, and I'll keep chanting that in my head until it does...